Today was a good day.

Mostly. And it shouldn’t have been, which is odd. I accidently took a 3 hour nap yesterday and therefore didn’t sleep well at all last night. But I woke up early so I could go to church early for ward choir practice. I sat by Dan Alletto in Gospel Doctrine. That was pretty exciting. After church, my home teachers, Jj Weidner and Steven something (he’s new) came by to home teach. They’re really cool and I like them a lot. They’re way easy to talk to and get along with. Directly after HTers, I went to Choir Practice in the game room. We’ll be singing “Prayer is the heart’s sincerest desire…” or something like that… It’s a pretty cool song, going from singing unison to breaking in 8 parts. It should be really pretty after we’ve worked on it for a few more weeks. Directly after CP, there was a Relief Society Leadership Training meeting. As the RS Publicist, I was invited to go. We basically just talked about our callings and how we can improve them to strengthen the sisters. After THAT, Alli and I went Visiting Teaching. Or at least, attempted to. We had made appointments and everything but neither answered the door. After that, Kelly and I watched Fantasia for a bit and then I took a nap until Mary needed help with dinner. Sad to say, I was not too pleasant to be woken up to help and only did so grudgingly because Rick Kessler was there to eat dinner with us. After dinner, I came back into my room and puttered around on my lap top (for which I have yet to find a name, she’s so pretty!!) for a bit until ward prayer. After ward prayer, Kelly and I went around to visit people because we were bored as all get out.

Then Nathan Robinson came by to have a brownie. He was weird. I didn’t like it. I think like I’ve been trying to make him something he’s not. He seems like the type of guy who would make a really good go-to friend, someone to talk to when I’m having a rough day, but he’s really not like that at all. It’s weird. I really can’t figure him out. And it bothers me to no end. I feel like I’ve already invested a lot of time into making him what I want him to be only to discover that it’s completely useless. That’s not who he is and I’m only getting frustrated trying to make him that way. So I left the room after jokingly (but seriously) becoming frustrated to come back here.

My screen saver randomly runs through all of my pictures. I was watching them filter through and a bunch from high school came up. It made me really nostalgic and border-line depressed. High school was so awesome for me. I had really close, really dependable friends who were always there for me when I needed them. I never felt like I was lacking in close emotional bonds. But not now. I haven’t had that since then. And it’s not for a lack of trying either. Granted, I suppose Eric (Malmgren from 214) is pretty close. I know he really cares about me; he’s a good guy like that. It’s just that he doesn’t have a ton of time to be all buddy-buddy. He’s working really hard on who knows what and he’s really ambitious. He wants to get a masters and a doctorate and go to law school… the kid is ridiculous. It’s just not the same.

I don’t suppose I should expect it to be the same. It’s not. We’re all at different points in our lives now. This is a time where we’re supposed to be focused on what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Lucky for me, I know what I want to do. I want to get married and be a mother.

That’s all.

That’s what I was made for. That’s what I care about. That is what I was meant to do and be. I know that gaining a higher education is important and believe me, that is the only reason why I am still here at BYU. I suppose if I have to work for the rest of my life because I never get married or if my husband is suddenly unable to provide that I’ll be able to. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to work. To some, that may make me sound lazy and unambitious, but I’m not. I know that being a mother isn’t a walk in the park. I know it takes a toll on you physically, emotionally, mentally and every other –ally there is out there. But I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. I want to be able to dedicate myself fully to that calling to which I believe I’ve been called.

So you can sense my frustration. I feel like I’m just sitting here, wasting time and waiting to move on with my life. I know that isn’t the best way to look at where I am so I’m trying to fill my life with positive experiences and opportunities for learning and growth. I try, everyday, to look for what I am supposed to do with that day. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to learn? How is today going to be applicable to the rest of my life?

Is that right? Is that how I should be looking at my current life; preparation for whatever lies ahead? Maybe. Maybe not. Some would argue that I should be living in the “now.” This is college, right? The time for trying new things, stretching your perspectives and opinions, exploring routes you’ve never seen before. Well maybe that’s not for me. The world’s expectations seriously bug.

I know what I want. Tonight, I just want to move on.

I just realized this ended very different than it started out. Sorry for the mood swing.